Dragon Quest VIII: Epic Fail!
by A Fleeting Dream
Summary: This is basically a funny over the top version of the Dragon Quest VIII game. Beware of foul language and suggestive themes!
1. NotSo Dynamic Entry!

This is my first attempt at a funny multi-chapter fanfic. A lot of lines (with the exception of the hero's) taken from the game are used until later on. The hero's name is Joey because that was the name I went with in the game (and the fact that it's my nickname!). I hope that you all enjoy this!

_Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series mentioned or hinted at in this story. There's probably a good reason why._

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**Day One (Part One): (Not-So) Dynamic Entry!**

The clearing in the woods was tranquil and inviting, a perfect place to rest before continuing a journey. In fact, a short green creature was snoozing away while a recently former bandit stood silently, every once in a while picking his nose. Then there was a guy wearing a bandana sitting on a tree stump, vacantly staring at a small yet beautiful patch of flowers that varied in different colors such as orange, white, and purple to name a few. A mouse went and hopped into one of his pockets after being scared off by a now awake and cranky green monster. The furry rodent sighed and took a drag of his blunt. All the mohawked mouse wanted was to share his stash!

At some point the former bandit began to speak but in all truth no one was listening, especially the guy sitting on the stump, who was imagining that the flowers were singing _Especially In the Month of June_. He even started dancing to the joyful tune… which was, of course, _**all in his head.**_

"Shake a leg, guv!" the former bandit encouraged. The one who he called "guv", the guy that was oh-so entertained by the patch of flowers, finally turned his attention to him with a blank look on his face. The other two in the odd group stared at "guv" expectantly, waiting for him to stand up. He didn't. For _**two whole minutes.**_ They wanted to berate him for stalling like an idiot but something – the weather, the air… the Goddess only knew – stopped them from pointing that out.

"Oh yeah! I forgot," the guy wearing the bandana realized, standing up. The former bandit and the green creature looked at him as though he had just randomly cackled like a hyena while planning the world's demise.

Feeling the need to explain himself, he stopped his laughter and said, "The flowers were really pretty," and pointed toward the little flower patch like a guilty five-year-old. This only seemed to make the other two's tempers flare even worse, yet the guy wearing the bandana appeared to be oblivious to it. "What's wrong Yangus? King Trode?"

"I've prob'ly said this before, but it beats me 'ow you ended up workin' for an old codger like 'im!" the former bandit, Yangus, chuckled, attempting to change the subject.

"Easy, I needed the money and I dig his daughter. Oh, did I also mention that I'm an orphan?" the guy with the bandana responded.

"Not that I could talk, though, eh?!" Yangus continued. "Guess people say the same thing about me workin' for you."

"Aaaand you just completely ignored me. Good job!" bandana-head flashed Yangus a thumbs up, entirely serious about the gesture.

"Hm? Old codger!? I do hope you're not referring to me!" the small green monster called King Trode raised his voice carrying his regal tone, obviously not flattered by what he was just labeled as.

"Oooh, Pissy Man Syndrome!" the guy wearing the bandana called out like an antagonistic school kid.

"Be quiet Joey!" King Trode before royally bitching out Yangus, pun intended.

After exchanging death glares with Yangus, King Trode realized that something was missing. "Enough dilly-dallying! Joey! Where's the Princess? I can't see her anywhere…"

Everyone suddenly jumped at the rapid rustling noises coming from the bushes, something quickly advancing towards them. Joey reacted to the sounds by dropping to the ground and hysterically screaming, "Killer horses! Save me!"

Yangus, Trode, and the three bouncy blue Slimes that erupted from the lush green bushes could only stare and sweat-drop at the sight of Joey being a moron. Sensing the stillness of the atmosphere, Joey looked up at everyone with curiosity just before getting up and rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Joey, for the love of the Goddess start fighting!" King Trode hastily commanded.

"What? They do-"

A Slime hit Joey on the head from behind, causing him to fall over.

This was going to be a long journey…


	2. Drunken Hairy Hippie Fortuneteller

Here's the second chapter! I hope it's a lot better than the short first chapter.

_Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series mentioned or hinted at. _

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**Day One (Part Two): Drunken Hairy Hippie Fortuneteller**

After finding the princess-turned-mare, Medea, when Joey and Yangus fought off the three Slimes, the odd group of travelers found themselves at Farebury, a cheery town enclosed by walls that were built by a Chinese guy to keep invaders, monsters, and "Mongorians" out, just like most other towns and castles. Just as the carriage Medea was pulling was passing by a pile of ashes the size of an extremely small house and smoke that rose up into the dusk colored sky Joey ran up to the burning mound carrying some sticks, a bag of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, and some chocolate while cheering, "Let's go make some smores!"

Yangus was about to join Joey in the festivities of smore-making, but stopped when Trode whacked the smores fanatic over the head with a newspaper retrieved from a shocked passerby and spoke to him as a master would to a dumb, dopey dog, "No Joey, bad boy!"

It wasn't the first time King Trode did that nor, unfortunately, would it be the last. Really, it was sometimes his only way of getting his point across to Joey and it didn't help that the cursed thorns enveloping his once wonderful castle also tauntingly held Joey's meds at an impossible to climb height.

Joey then made a sad denied face before putting everything away and shuffling weakly to the town square with everyone else. After Trode deemed a spot within the square worthy to stop at he gave Medea a signal with the reigns and hopped off.

"Yes. Yes! Here we are. If my memory serves me correctly, this is the place. This is the town where Master Rylus lives," King Trode announced to the group.

"Hold your 'horses, grandad! I thought it was Dhoulmagus we was after," Yangus blurted out in confusion.

"I AM NOT YOUR GRANDAD!" Trode shouted.

"Coulda fooled me!" Joey snickered.

Trode shot Joey a glare before continuing. "And of course Dhoulmagus is our man!"

"Whoa, I didn't know it was like that! And what's this 'our' thing you're going on about!?" Joey exclaimed, now utterly uncertain of the green midget king's motives.

"What are you talking about?" Trode asked, eyeing the boy with caution.

"Let me ask you a totally serious question: Are you chasing after Dhoulmagus because you want to make sweet monkey love to him or something?"

Everyone's brain abruptly imploded upon itself, shriveled up and died, except for Joey's because he was already as brain-dead as a blonde. Fighting the urge to throw up, King Trode snapped, "Remind me after this journey is over and Medea and I are turned back into our respectable selves to put you out of your misery."

"Ay ay, captain!" Joey saluted.

"Aren't you supposed to be a silent hero of some sort?"

"Nah! Screw the rules, I'm too sexy to be silenced!"

Trode let out an aggravated sigh. "Enough of this nonsense. Joey, will you please go see if you can find Master Rylus before I decide to strangled you?"

Sure, but only on one condition!" Joey held up ingredients for smores.

"_Excuse me Joey?_"

"But I need the smores or I'll explode! That happens to me sometimes…"

The small green king was about to leap for Joey's throat with his short stubby hands when Joey grabbed Yangus by the vest and hightailed it to search for Rylus. The two stopped running when they were at the outside entrance of the local inn. Having no real clue of where to start searching for the old man they walked in the building. They went upstairs to ask people for information seeing as the innkeeper's only interest was to have them rent rooms for the night, even though there truthfully wasn't any vacancy to begin with. Yangus was left to ask those people in the rooms they resided in while Joey ignored them and decided to jack some of their belongings while they were paying no attention to him. Unfortunately for Yangus he wasn't able to get any information due to being seen as a thief and invader because of his appearance. Sighing off his failure (then again it wasn't his fault that some people decided to discriminate against others based off of looks), Yangus went to check on his friend and found him with an amused expression on his face as he gazed at two bags hanging off the wall.

"Wot are you so focused on, guv?" Yangus asked. Joey had stuck his hand into one of the bags and laughed, "Ha, I'm grabbing into a sack!"

"That sounded wrong, guv," Yangus commented with a sweat drop. "Anyway, we should ask some other people 'bout this Rylus person, so we should go."

"Okaaay," Joey whined, pulling his hand out of the sack. When they finally walked out of the inn Joey couldn't help but look around the building to find a backdoor.

"Hey Yangus! I found the backdoor! Should I go in?" Joey snickered. Yangus could only face-palm as Joey entered the inn once more, giggling as he went.

Upon entering the inn through the backdoor, Joey immediately recognized the main room where the counter separated the innkeeper from his customers. He also noticed that the wall to the right had sacks hanging off of it. Turning his attention to the innkeeper who was surprised by the intrusion Joey asked him innocently while pointing to a bag, "Is this your sack?"

Although he was baffled by the question, the innkeeper answered, "Yes it is."

Suddenly a catlike grin adorned Joey's face as he asked almost teasingly, "Do you mind if I reach into it?" Joey was then quickly thrown out the door and greeted by Yangus who looked down at him.

"'Ow'd go, guv?" Yangus inquired.

"I think he took it well," Joey replied.

"You didn't ask him 'bout Rylus, did ya." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Nope, I talked about his sack," Joey chuckled. He then lifted a hand to the sky.

"Ya gotta stop that, guv," Yangus sighed as he helped Joey to his feet.

"Can ya call me the 'Governator' instead?" Joey questioned.

"No," Yangus' quick response was.

"Aww," Joey pouted as he dusted himself off. Then he proceeded to look for people to talk to when he saw a blonde woman in a red dress and wearing a blue do rag near the gate that the odd party had entered through earlier. Joey then ran up to her and just stood there, observing her like a scientist stumbling across a new species of microorganism, which inevitably caused the flaxen haired woman to feel extremely uncomfortable. She was about to pull out the pepper spray and kick him where the sun don't shine when he made a sort of frown and complained, "Stop looking at me! I'm trying to look at your boobs!"

"Pardon me!?" the blonde exclaimed in disbelief and a hint of disgust.

"Nope, not big enough. Thank you for your time!" Joey shook her hand before running off towards the stairs that led to another part of the town overlooking the square. The blonde woman's brain cells were officially fried from what the young man had just said.

"Sorry 'bout my friend, ma'am. He often gets way too carried away," Yangus apologized to the confused blonde as he hurried to follow the complete spaz he called _guv_.

By the time Yangus caught up Joey the bandana-wearing airhead was gazing almost dreamily at a sign that indicated where the town tavern was, hidden away by the mini-maze of buildings.

"We're going to the bar my friend!" Joey cheered as he dragged Yangus by the vest, like earlier, and rounded the corner and entered the bar. Once inside, the two breathed in the merry drunken atmosphere and looked around…

…_However_, Joey deemed it necessary to point out towards people, starting with a man wearing a mask decorated with a pair of ox horns,-

"Too big and ugly."

-a guy wearing an orange turban,-

"Too thin and ugly."

-an elderly man,-

"Too old and ugly."

-a beautiful blonde wearing bunny ears and a fluffy tail.-

"Yay! A bunny girl!"

At this point Yangus decided it was his turn to drag Joey by the back of the collar through the pub, even while Joey kept commenting (if anyone could call it that) on the people in the bar. He then continued pointing towards a heavier man,-

"Too fat and ugly."

-the bartender,-

"Too skinny and ugly."

-and a drunken hippie fortuneteller.

"Too hairy and ugly."

Yangus stopped a few feet away from the bar counter and checked on his friend, who seemed fussy about something. Curious, he asked him, "Wot's the problem, guv?"

"That's 'Governator' to you!" Joey snapped. Yangus rolled his eyes before Joey finally answered his question. "This bar sucks! There's only two good lookin' people in here."

"Who's the second one?"

Joey smiled like a vain woman and put his hand on his own chest. "Me."

Yangus chose this time to let go of Joey's collar and let the back of his head meet the wooden floor with a hard_ 'thunk!' _and say, "Get up, guv."

"Governator," Joey corrected.

"Hmph." Yangus ignored him in the fit of his put off mood.

"Was it something I said?" Joey whimpered to anyone who was listening, though no one heard. Tired of being the makeshift floor-cleaning rag Joey hopped back onto his feet and was shortly startled into listening to a conversation between the bartender and the drunken hippie fortuneteller when said hippie shouted a resounding "WHAT!?"

Yangus was thankful that it shut Joey up right away since he was being annoying enough for the day. Joey kept listening in on the conversation since he was thinking that if someone, especially a drunk person was randomly shouting about something, the subject matter was bound to be interesting.

"My fortune-telling… HAPHAZZARD!?" the drunken hippie went on, "Are you a complete fool!? Let me tell you something for free. All fortune-telling is 'haphazzard'! What do you expect!?"

The hairy fortuneteller took a breath to calm himself a little, though it didn't work completely to the desired affect. "Anyway, so what if I saw it? So what if I fortold the fire?"

"Well, we now know half of how the smores factory was made. Now it's all a question of 'who'," Joey thought out loud to himself.

"What smo- oh," Yangus was about to question before realizing what Joey was referring to.

"If I'd tried to stop it, then what!? It would have led to another disaster, that's what!" the drunken hippie fortuneteller concluded.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kalderasha, sir. I don't follow…" said the obviously slightly puzzled French bartender.

"He almost sounds like Sean Bob," Joey randomly commented.

"Sean- wot?" Yangus perplexedly asked.

"You know, the talking frog that believed he was a prince!" Joey exclaimed, shocked that Yangus had no idea who he was talking about. Yangus was about to say something, but thought better of it.

"If you're saying you knew about the fire, shouldn't you at least have warned Master Rylus?" the bartender questioned.

The hippie fortuneteller known as Kalderasha then lowered his voice to a near regretful tone. "Yes… Poor Rylus… How many times I argued with the old man… I cannot believe he is gone…"

Joey chose to now be officially involved in the conversation by first saying pitifully with a hint of teasing, "Aww, were you tsundere for each other?"

"What!? What is it?" Kalderasha snapped in his drunken haze, apparently not listening to what Joey asked, before taking what seemed like a creepy approach (to be truthful it was creepy no matter how one looked at it) and getting in Joey's face. "Hmm!? You! Come show your face to the Great Kalderasha! Yes! Yeeesss!"

Feeling extremely uncomfortable, Joey cried out, "Aaahhh! Drunk guy trying to come onto me! No thanks! Yangus, HELP!"

Yangus ignored his friend, feeling that he brought it upon himself, and picked his nose out of habit. Just as Joey was about to fall backwards in a futile attempt to escape, a blonde man wearing green frantically warned everyone in the tavern about a monster in town. All the people in the building, except for Joey, Yangus, Kalderasha, an old guy, the bartender, and the bunny girl, immediately dashed out the door.

"Wot the…!? This ain't good, g-"

"Yangus, the next time I _scream_ for help, SAVE MY ASS! I could've been raped for all you know!" Joey yelled.

Yangus sighed while pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry, guv-"

"Governator."

"You know I'm never gonna call you that, guv. At any rate we gotta go check on grandad, 'cause I've got a bad feelin' 'bout this."

"We share the same grandpa? That would be _really_ weird, 'cause-"

"Just shut up and let's go, you bloomin' moron!" Yangus hissed as he ran out the door by himself.

"Hey," a voice called from behind Joey. He turned around to see Kalderasha with his hand imitating the likeness of a telephone put up to his ear while winking at him and purring, "Call me."

Joey promptly ran outside in fear to catch up to Yangus.


	3. She's Out To Get Me

Here's part three of day one (that was a long day, I swear!)! It took a while to write since I, for some reason, decided to use more dialog from the game. I hope to not do this ever again unless it's very important, because it's a headache to try and attempt and may constrict a bit of the humor in my opinion. I want this to be fun, not taxing. But I hope you all find humor in this and that as the chapters go on this will get better!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series that are mentioned or hinted at. They all belong to their respective owners._

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**Day One (Part Three): She's Out To Get Me**

Upon reaching the town square where they left King Trode and Medea, Joey and Yangus saw the short green king getting pelted by rocks thrown by the townspeople surrounding them, who were shouting unpleasant words towards the little guy and crying out in disgust. Eventually they pissed off the princess-turned-horse enough that she shielded her dad from the hailing chunks of earth. Running into the mess, Joey and Yangus helped evacuate King Trode and Princess Medea until they were safely (more or less) outside Farebury's walls. Of course, King Trode had to throw a fit over what had just happened, for good reason though. It didn't stop Joey from tuning out of the one-sided conversation.

"…Did you manage to find Master Rylus?"

Joey looked at the cursed king in confusion. "What?"

"Did. You. Find. Master. Rylus?" Trode spelt out for Joey to understand…hopefully.

"Oh! Yeah, he burned… in a FI – YAH! So no, we couldn't find him," Joey replied.

"What!?" Trode gasped. "He's dead!? Oh, no, no, no, no…"

"You're, uh… kinda taking this a little bit too hard, no?" Joey questioned. "Oh, wait! Don't tell me! You and Kalderasha were fighting over Rylus, and have been for years, and My Little Pony over here," Joey gestured toward Medea, "was supposed to be yours and Rylus' daughter as a birthday present and commitment of everlasting love, BUT you also liked Medea's mom a lot and asked it she could be included in the equation, and then you got REJECTED! Yet you still had feelings for him! Am I RIGHT?"

"Sure Joey, me and Rylus were gay lovers," King Trode answered, his every last word gushing out pools of sarcasm.

"But then why do you want to make sweet monkey love to Dhoulmagus?"

"Why were you, of all people back at the castle, spared from that dreaded curse?" Trode snapped. "Let's continue our journey before I spontaneously combust from another one of your antics."

Yangus was tearing up from laughing so hard he almost tripped himself trying to follow the group.

"Wait!" called a beautiful accented female voice. Everyone turned around to find a charming young lady hurrying towards them. "Please… wait… I'm sorry to come running after you like this. It's just that… I wanted to ask you a favour."

Trode was awestruck by the approach since people usually went berserk after seeing a monster. "Are you not afraid of me, young lady?"

"I dreamt about you…" the adorable brunette started. Joey was on the verge of saying something only to have his mouth covered by Yangus' hand to keep him from interrupting the girl as well as thoroughly violating her ears. "I dreamt that some people came to town with a strange creature. It was… sort of halfway between a human and a monster… And I dreamt that they could make wishes come true…"

"A strange creature!?" Trode gasped as if he were hit by a flying brick. "Are you referring to me?"

Yangus had to hold his sides as he laughed at the situation, which meant Joey was free to speak, whether they liked it or not. "That's some weird wet dream you had. I just hope you don't act on it 'cause I don't want to be involved."

Trode and Yangus frowned upon Joey's remark as well as Joey himself while the lovely young lady made a face similar to that of a deer in the headlights. Wishing to be heard out, the girl finally snapped out of it and said, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be rude!"

"Don't apologize, _he's_ the one being rude," Trode growled with disdain in Joey's direction (if only Joey's meds weren't held out of reach, he would be a lot more tolerable!) before realizing what the girl was referring to. "Oh, you mean calling me a strange creature! Heh, not to worry. I've had worse things said to me today! You know, you remind me of my Medea. You're about the same age. Anyway, you say you had a dream about me? Most peculiar…

"Seriously, " Joey mocked playfully.

"Shut up Joey!" Trode baked as he hit the bandana-wearing imbecile over the head with a well-hidden newspaper.

"I'm sorry," the girl apologized again, "I haven't even introduced myself. I'm Valentina, daughter of the great fortuneteller, Kalderasha."

Joey had visibly winced out of distress at the name, remembering the drunken hippie at the bar.

Valentina then continued, "If you could just come to my house, I'll explain everything there. It's by the well, at the far end of town. I'll be waiting for you!" Then she ran back into Farebury's walls through the gate.

Before Valentina ever got through the gate, though, Joey shouted, "You're pretty polite about asking for a one night stand, you know that?" Valentina stopped and smiled only because she was sweet that way and she had no clue what he was talking about. Joey saw the smile and added, "And you're just so adorable! How cold I refuse?" With the end of that nonsense, Valentina finally disappeared within the town's walls. Joey then looked to Yangus and said, "There's only three reasons that girl smiled at what I just said. One, that was a 'hell yes!' to have some kinky sex. Two, she has no idea what I said to her and she was only being nice. And three…"

Yangus tilted his head in curiosity and asked, "Wot's reason numba three?"

"She's out to get me…" Joey stated, seeming paranoid all the sudden.

"Wot makes you think that?" Yangus scrunched his face in confusion.

"Her dad is the drunk hippie fortune-teller that came _this close_ to molesting me at the bar!" Joey rattled, demonstrating the distance with his index finger and thumb to prove his point.

Yangus could only sigh it off and wonder out loud, "Wot was she rabbitin' on about? Come round my 'house she says…"

King Trode, who was off in his own little world since Valentina left, suddenly cheered, "Magnificent!"

Looking at both Joey and King Trode with some sense of unease Yangus said, "Uh, I think you're both getting' the wrong idea 'ere."

The cursed king scowled at the former bandit and yelled, "You knit wit, that which shall not be spoken of may have crossed Joey's mind, but how _dare_ you accuse me of such a thing! All disgusting rubbish aside, she wasn't afraid to look at me at all!" Trode's eyes brightened. "Not one bit! Ah, she reminds me of my Medea!"

Joey then took this time to lightly cough into his hand to call attention to himself and spoke, "I'm going to speak for My Little Pony over here and ask why you're talking as if she left or died a long time ago?"

Trode ignored Joey and continued, "We must give this young girl a helping hand! Right then, Joey, my boy! Go and find the house by the well and see what it is she wants."

"But-"

"Just go! You too, Yangus!"

Obeying the short green king's command, Joey and Yangus wandered back into Farebury to find Valentina's house.


	4. Alice On Acid

So soon! Yep, here's another chapter finally concluding the first day! From here on the chapters are going to come out at a snail's pace since they're still in their planning stages, so if any of you like this be patient, okay? Thanks!

Warning: There are a couple of f-bombs in this chapter if anyone's offended by that. And beware of Joey's mouth, but we all knew that unless you're just joining us!

_Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series mentioned or hinted at. They all belong to their respective owners and I am __**not**__ one of them._

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**Day One (Part Four): Alice On Acid**

Well Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass (everyone should know who that is!) had found their way to Valentina's house after Joey decided to take a detour because he kept crying and bitching about getting no smores and he just had to make a few more sack jokes to be content. At least they arrived, but only to find the sweet angel Valentina passed out with her head on a pink table near an enormous glass ball situated on some sort of stand.

"Alright! An unconscious chick!" Joey beamed and cheered.

Yangus immediately hissed, "Wot the hell is wrong wit you, guv!"

"What? I was only going to draw on her face like Jigglypuff does!" Joey retorted.

"Jiggly-who? Ugh, it doesn't matter, as long as you aren't thinkin' wot I thought you were thinkin'," Yangus sighed. Damn it did he just want to go to sleep, Valentina was _lucky_ she didn't have to hear Joey's every thought that popped out of his mouth.

Joey then sneakily added on, "_And the great thing about unconscious chicks is they can't say no._"

"Guv!"

"What! You were thinking it too! And for the last time it's Governator!"

"Not only is that tasteless, but you took sumone else's joke, ya bastard!"

"Is it, Yangus? _Is it?_"

"Ah! You came!" a pretty familiar voice called. Valentina had woken up while Yangus and Joey were bickering, yet she was unaware of what the two were fussing over. She then on a small cute frown as she hurried out of her chair. "I'm so sorry! I – I must have drifted off. How rude of me! I wanted to ask you a favour about this crystal ball." She then paused, thinking a tiny bit. "Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Perhaps I should start from the beginning?"

Joey though for a moment before heavily sighing, "Normally I would say yes, like when I usually play and I never chose to 'no' option before, but I am getting sick and tired of copying dialog and losing sleep whether I am accurate about the event that happens, so fuck it. Fuck it all!"

Yangus then shook Joey screaming, "No damn it! YOU BROKE THE FOURTH WALL! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU MONSTER!"

"SHUT UP!" screeched a shockingly infuriated Valentina. She then quickly composed herself while both Joey and Yangus stared at the seemingly sweet girl with wide eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude. I'll just tell you the short version and say that this," she gave a pointed look towards the crystal ball on the table, "isn't a real crystal ball. I was hoping you would be able to help find a _real_ one so my father, Kalderasha, gets his powers back. He wo-"

Just then the door behind Joey and Yangus swung open, revealing a drunken Kalderasha stumbling though the doorway. Shutting the door and glancing around, noticing two familiar strangers standing around and his daughter standing close to the glass ball on the table. He then barked in a drunken slur, "How many times have I told you not to touch my crystal ball?"

Joey couldn't help but blurt out in disgust to Valentina, "I didn't know you were into fake balls! And isn't that considered incest? Eeeewwww!"

The drunken hippie fortuneteller hobbled further into his house and commanded, "Valentina, show your visitors to the door and give them a good swift kick in the ass for good mesher and-" Instantly Kalderasha passed out on the floor.

"Not again," Valentina whined before turning back to her current guests. "Could you please find him a crystal ball? One _big_ enough to bring back his powers?"

"So you want me to get a _bigger_ crystal ball?" Joey asked, looking to Valentina for complete confirmation, which was answered with a nod. "Man, you and your weird-ass fetishes. Okay, I'll do it. The king would get mad at me if I didn't accept."

"This is just like my dream!" Valentina beamed with joy. "Also in my dream there was a _big_ crystal ball hidden deep inside a cave covered by a waterfall south of here. There was also a freaky fish guy-"

"We took up enough of your time. 'Kaythanxbye!" Joey waved as he and Yangus rushed out the door to get this over with as soon as possible and also before Yangus could criticize Valentina for using someone else's joke.

As they passed by the inn Yangus hoped that they would go there as it was already late, but when they walked out of the gate he was tempted to throw a fit.

They met with the midget king and listened to him ramble before they finally took their leave.

"Hey guys, aren't we going to get abducted by aliens and get anal probed by them if we stay out too long at night?" Joey asked.

"Shut up Joey," King Trode and Yangus growled in annoyance.


	5. One Knight Stand

Hello! It's me again! Sorry for the long wait, I had a few issues I had to take care of and I wasn't feeling too happy for a while. I'm doing a lot better though! Here's another round of madness!

_Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series mentioned or hinted at. They belong to their respective owners... Man I sound like a broken record._

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**Day Two: One Knight Stand**

Into the early hours of the morning Joey led the odd party consisting of a former bandit, a green midget monster, and a horse princess to anywhere and everywhere **BUT** the cave hidden by the waterfall, which was where they were _supposed _to be heading to in the first place. It would have been a little bit more bearable if Joey could have at least learned to shut up for a longer period of time instead of being quiet for only five seconds.

"So Munchie here kept on sniffing my stash so I thought, 'should I let him have some? I've never seen a stoned mouse before.' Then I was like, 'why not?' so I let him have a few puffs of a joint. Afterwards he was trippin' balls while looking at the patterns on the carpet and he felt like it was swallowing him and _tried_ to run off of the carpet when he was actually was dashing around in circles. Then he got a really bad case of the munchies and stumbled his way into the kitchen and ate **EVERYTHING**! Since that incident I changed his name to Munchie."

"That mouse in your pocket used to 'ave a different name? Wot was it?" Yangus asked.

"Snake Bait."

"Wot!" Yangus visibly flinched. "That seems a bit mean naming it that if ya ask me."

"It gets worse," King Trode started, recalling the memory. "Joey named the poor creature 'Snake Bait' hoping that a man named Solid Snake would visit him, at the cost of the mouse becoming a snack of course, and leave presents under the tree in his room."

"I feeling that some type of wall has been illegally broken somewhere," Yangus commented to no one in particular as he narrowed his eyes and scratched his chin.

Ever so curious, Joey wandered into a large cluster of trees, a distant vision of their destination behind tree trunks and a bit of a light mist sprayed by the cascading falls as they went up the descending slope. The rest of the group nearly rejoiced at having finally come closer to finishing Valentina's favor. They were heading straight for the cavern, increased the pace of their steps (other than Trode, who was sitting in the driver's seat of the wagon Medea was pulling of course) … and halted in their parade as Joey ran off to the right wielding his sword in hand towards a chibi suit of knight's armor riding a huge pale green Slime. Yangus sighed as he pushed his odd spiky hat in place and reluctantly followed Joey to back him up.

Noticing the sudden advance, the monster (or in this case was it two monsters?) hopped towards the former bandit and the idiot that was one of Trode's palace guardsmen and prepared to attack.

"Stop!" the variant of a Slime Knight bellowed, flapping what was supposed to be the faceguard while speaking. "…In the name of love! For I am One Knight Stand!" Apparently the monster could talk, unlike some of the others that only immediately attacked them.

"What does love and a one night stand have to do with each other?" Joey questioned, confused by the concept.

"It fools drunk girls to get into the sack with you! It even works on some intoxicated men as well!"

"Well Mr. One Knight Stand, you're about to get effed in the ay!" Joey sneered with a goofy grin plastered on his face.

"Oh my Goddess, this is soundin' lame!" Yangus complained, annoyed by the level of corniness he was hearing, and covered his ears.

"Behold my long powerful sword and tremble in anticipation as I penetrate you with glorious sonic thrusts!" One Knight Stand announced in dramatic fashion.

"Bring i-"

"Surprise butt secks!"

Instantaneously Joey was down for the count as the monster attacked him with his gleaming sword while his guard was down. Yangus immediately ran over to Joey's limp form, grabbed his hands, and ran backwards towards the direction of Farebury as fast as his short legs could carry him and the deadweight that was Joey.

From afar, One Knight Stand shouted tauntingly to the fleeing party, "Haha! Suck on that ya pussies!" Shortly afterwards the monster bounced off on his noble Slime and disappeared from view. Yangus, Trode, and Medea had to get Joey to the church to revive him before he started decomposing, but the act of doing so seemed to be harder than first thought.

"Blimey this bloke's 'eavy!" Yangus complained as he dragged his friend on the ground. "Can't we jus' stick 'im in a box or sumthin'?"

"There's a coffin in the back of the wagon," Trode chimed in.

"I ain't gonna ask why you 'ave one a' those," Yangus said as he as he dropped Joey to retrieve the coffin that he was informed about.

"I have four of them actually."

"FOUR! 'Ow the hell did you fit that many in this dinky lit'le thing?"

"I thought you _weren't _going to ask. Didn't you say that not too long ago?"

Trode was really starting to give Yangus the heebie-jeebies, not that he would admit that out loud and risk his own skin just because he stuck his nose where it didn't belong. Reaching in and sliding a coffin out of the carriage, he dragged it until it was parallel with Joey's lifeless form and popped off the lid which had a trident-like design on it, the insignia if the church. Then the former bandit lifted the dead body into the coffin and carelessly let it fall in place, finishing the process of stuffing Joey in his temporary death box by slamming on the lid a dozen times until it clicked. Not wanting to end up like his friend, Yangus ran back to Farebury as quickly as he possibly could on his short legs with the king and the horse princess following not too far.

Shortly after the urgent sprint towards Joey's revival, Yangus busted through the gate of the local town. He hurried on in… but stopped when he realized he left the coffin outside the walls with Trode and Medea. Turning back and passing through the gate in a much calmer manner than earlier, the former bandit was met with exasperated gazes from the green midget king and the horse princess. He then looked down only to see a _floating _coffin. What the hell?

"Cool! I'm like a Vampire from Ogre Battle: March of the – "

"Joey, shut up! You're supposed to be dead," Trode barked as he kicked the death box, prompting an "Ow!" from the _dead_ Joey and the floating coffin to shake.

"Well, let's get in an' get this over wiv." Yangus motioned to the flying corpse container to walk through the gate again.

Once they were back within the walls of Farebury, Yangus ignored the first flight of stone stairs that would have been a quick route to the church. Instead the ex-bandit was strolling toward the town square. Puzzled, the recently deceased Joey raised his voice to escape being completely muffled by the coffin he was currently occupying, "Why are you going that way? It's quicker to go up the stairs we just passed."

"We need some herbs," Yangus replied.

"You smoked it all! You bastard! You're supposed to share!"

Yangus thought that for a moment he was about to have an aneurysm because, face it, Joey was a frustrating nuisance, living or dead. He was about to say something when said nuisance lighten his voice in a forgiving tone. "Weeell, since you are going to buy more; I shouldn't get mad and let this one slip. Just don't forget that we need some money left over for reviving me."

Seeing no reason to drag the conversation on any longer, the two once again went towards the square. That was until Joey _somehow_ noticed the smoking pile of ash from his coffin.

"Smores!" Joey elatedly shouted, floating away from the path to the town square and to the burning debris.

Yangus turned around, grabbed Joey's coffin with two arms and hoisted it over his head, and chided, "You're dead! You can't 'ave any!"

"Aww!" Joey whined.

The former bandit was tired of Joey's constant complaining so he changed his mind and decided to drop Joey off at the church first. He ran up the other set of stairs near the burnt house and past the overlook of the town, as well as a few buildings surrounding the bar, while carrying the coffin over his head and finally arrived at the entrance of the church of the Goddess. As he entered, Joey cried, "Why'd ya have to be so damn rough!"

The ex-bandit ignored Joey and was more focused on nodding to the priestess in blue robes and speaking with the old priest in red robes.

"Can you please revive my friend 'ere. He kinda 'ad a accidental encounter wiv a strong monster."

In a wobbly ancient voice the priest replied, "Bring the poor soul over here."

Yangus walked over and set the coffin containing the ever-annoying Joey on the church podium. Looking at the elderly priest once more, Yangus asked, "So 'ow much is it goin' to cost?"

Lifting the lid and intensely, even creepily observing the suddenly deathly quiet Joey, the old man gave the former bandit his answer. "Ten gold coins." He then put the lid back down, struggling a bit to do so but eventually closing it.

"Ow, I think you broke something you fucking bastard!" Joey's voice boomed. "I can't feel one of my arms now! I need that… anyway, how much is it gonna cost?"

"Ten gold coins," Yangus parroted what the old priest had said earlier.

"_What!_" Joey incredulously shrieked. "I'm worth _more_ than ten gold coins! I'm not some random ho!"

"Guv, you're missin' the point. We want to pay _less_ gold coins! The prices get ridiculously high if we make a habit outta diein'!" Yangus tried to reason with him.

"Fine! I still think my life ought to be worth more…"

The priest's and the priestess who was eavesdropping eyes widened in shock at what they were hearing. Coffins were definitely not supposed to talk.

Noticing the unnerving attention Joey attracted, Yangus yanked the lid off, thus cutting Joey off in the middle of his rant. Sweet silence was present once more.

Yangus gave the required amount of gold coins to the priest and then questioned, "So do I have to stay 'ere while you bring 'im back from the dead or can I go do an errand or two?"

"You may leave. It will be a few minutes anyway." The priest sent Yangus off with a wrinkled smile as the ex-bandit walked out of the church.

The priest lied about the revival taking a few minutes. In a magical flash of beautiful pale yellow light, Joey was lifted out of the death box and back onto his feet in a matter of seconds.

"Yangus where are you?" Joey panicked as he woke up coming out of his previous rant before the lid was taken off. He couldn't remember anything when he heard the lid come off; at that moment he felt like he slipped out of existence.

The old priest glanced at the priestess that was standing idly by. "Fellow priestess, would you kindly go outside to tend to any others seeking the Goddess' guidance? I want to give this newcomer a… _special_ tour of our faith."

"Gladly!" the young priestess complied, her doe eyes hinting at her naivety. She walked out of the church and the doors suddenly and hauntingly closed, sounding as if they also locked themselves.

Hairs stood up on Joey's neck, as the air seemed to become more foreboding. Whatever the universe was trying to tell him, he did _not_ like it.

He looked toward the old red robed priest, who was suspiciously turned around and fidgeting with something.

"Um, what are you doing?" Joey questioned.

The old man spun around smugly and purred, "Do you want a popsicle?" while shrugging off a part of his robe.

The doors of the church splintered open and caused a hail of small wooden stakes as Joey screamed and made a mad dash to get out of town, not caring to search for Yangus even as he passed by him.

The ex-bandit whipped his head around in his friend's direction, catching a glimpse of him before disappearing under the archway leading to the burnt house and the town's inn. Seeing as he no longer had any business going up to the church, Yangus turned around and followed Joey out the gate.

Upon bolting through to the outside of the gate Joey quickly jumped into the back of the carriage to hide. Bewildered as to his palace guard's frantic actions and shaking so much that it vibrated the whole horse driven vehicle, King Trode shouted, "What's wrong Joey! Joey? Get a hold of yourself!"

Yangus ran up to Joey's hiding place within the wagon to help Trode calm the normally outgoing yet ridiculous palace guard. "Wot 'appened, guv!"

Joey then gradually stopped shaking as he became stiff like a statue in order to speak. "My eyeballs have ruptured and I'm pretty sure I pissed myself. Yangus, whatever you do, be a pal and do not leave my dead body in a church with a suspicious old man EVER AGAIN!"

"Well noted, guv."

"_This _is why I don't trust churches! I seriously didn't need to see a wrinkly old nipple! It looked like it was _winking_ at me – "

"Joey, stop givin' us details! We're gonna get the bloody hell outta 'ere and never come back again!" Yangus assured Joey.

"Thank you for understanding! You're a good friend!" Joey cheered as he jumped out of the carriage and hugged Yangus.

"Let go, guv!"

"Ahem," King Trode cleared his throat, calling Joey and Yangus' attention to himself. "Well, if we are done hanging about here then I suggest we go back to the waterfall cave…" Joey went to get a head start before Trode then added, "Without any detours this time."


	6. Gotta Have My Herbs!

After a whole damn year I've finally compiled this piece of Epic Fail! due to loss of script and stupid drama... and partially I've been procrastinating by playing Zombies on Black Ops (damn thing is so addicting!) and drawing because I finally have a wonderful scanner and finally a deviantart account! Hehe, sorry. At any rate I'm still trying to write this, and hopefully this chapter is as good as the last. Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: __I do not own Dragon Quest VIII or any other series mentioned or hinted at. It's a big harmless ball of fun with things I will never own._

* * *

**Day Three: Gotta Have My Herbs!**

It was way early in the morning when Joey, Yangus, King Trode, and Medea finally arrived at the entrance of the waterfall cave. Too early even, as the group had once again stayed up all night, and if that wasn't bad enough they were constantly ambushed by the monsters of the night. It really didn't help that they were low on herbs… again.

Joey hummed to himself whimsically as he stepped merrily towards the innards of the cavern, with Yangus trailing behind and the carriage parking itself in place until they should come back. The more than eccentric palace guardsmen motioned closer to the entrance and then he just… stopped. Just flipping stopped as Yangus accidentally crashed into him and knocked him down.

"Ay, wot's the big deal, guv?" the former bandit cried as he picked himself back off the ground, dusting his pants off and the rest of the dirt that sort of clung to his short arms. Meanwhile, _guv _just stood here balanced on his hands and knees looking off to the side of the cave like there was something else there. Not surprising for a crazy, easgoing potential therapy patient nut case stoner… _who was in some why or another right about anything if he applied himself to that and not grabbing sacks and alienating the female populace with his critical breast reviews. Goddess be damned. _It didn't help Joey's case one bit that he seemed to be prolonging the same pose that the bunny girl strippers would do on the bars at the pub on special nights in Pickham.

Why was he not surprised…

Finally Joey moved away from waving his ass in the air as he jogged over to find an ascending twisting path up the small mountain. "Let's go up here first!" Joey encouraged, of course not gaining any morale from his king, princess, or Yangus. Munchie was too passed out to support his friend, having added to the decrease in "herbs", but if the little mohawk-maned mouse had anything to say about all of it he would say it was magical and that he is the boss because he didn't have to jump out and walk on his own. That's how magical it was to the little guy.

Getting back on track, Joey slowed into a still gliding step up the mountain when Yangus yelled "Oy! Get back ova 'ere an' let's get this job done as fast as we can so we can fine'ly get this favour done and on wiv our journey!"

Joey just kept going, so Yangus turned to King Trode to set his bodyguard straight. What he was met with was a big goofy smile and really, _really _red eyes; the white was almost gone!

"Oh, cool down. It might actually be something to check into. Maybe there's someone or something up there that could point us in the right direction. Take what is presented to you from the universe to progress to the next step to create a more wonderful and magical journey, the journey to the self. Those are true kings who grasp the deepness of our world," the king babbled, directing his carriage via Medea, wearing the same dopey expression as her father. _"Wot the bloody hell is he sayin'? When did they all 'ave time to do that wiv out me noticin'?" _Shaking his thoughts he ran with his short legs at a fast momentum so he could catch up with his friend up ahead. One never knows when or where monsters are going to attack, so he might as well keep formation in order to live another day. As he shortened his sprint into a walk next to Joey a big fat joint was shoved in front of Yangus's face. He only looked at it for a couple of seconds, just deciding to numb the headache of being so high strung from lack of sleep. So he took it and toked it.

Back with King Trode, the green king's eyes started to sag low into his eyesight, not noticing that he and his high horse princess were heading straight off the trail and down a terrible tumble. Just out of newly acquired habit since joining Joey and other company, he checked behind them to see how the cursed royalty was doing. Yangus almost punctured and shot his lungs by screaming inward, sucking whistling air in when he caught the exact moment the wagon veered of the path, hearing Trode shriek obscenities that he claimed he was above uttering and the princess's terrified whinney. Joey only noticed the unfortunate twist of fate after the loud thud and hopefully non-problematic cracking noises of stressed wood. Both Joey and Yangus looked down from where the carriage fell. The horse-drawn vehicle was shockingly not in pieces; Medea was a bit dazed though.

"Hey, you okay down there?" Joey shouted down to his king.

"What's it look like?" he growled.

"You somehow avoided the laws of weight, velocity, physics, and impact force only to have a perfectly fine wagon?" Joey called down innocently.

"Fine my royal 'hind! This thing is now a fragile vessel for which it needs repairs ASAP!" the green king snapped back. He seemed as if he was going to blow more royal hot air when black flapping figures in the distance caught his attention. But the moment he finally noticed their presence they were already upon the king and horse. "Arragh! GODDESS DAMN IT JOEY, HELP."

"Why?" Yangus stared at Joey for the nonchalant question, pondering where he didn't find the danger in his king's predicament.

"THIS INS'T A FRAKKING GAME YOU SIMPLETON! DRAKKIES ARE TRYING TO DRAIN MY FRAKKING BLOOD, AND YOU HAVE THE GALL TO ASK 'WHY"? his voice went up a few octaves as he went, trying to fend himself off from the drakky-swarm.

"Yea, wot the bloody hell guv?" Yangus gritted.

"Alright, we're on it," Joey sighed out of annoyance for once before sliding down with his sword and shield in hand, former thief following close behind with his own axe and shield. How unlucky of them to have been held up by the batty and buggy creatures in the morning while the world still retained a starry night sky. Why did monsters have to be even more aggressive at night for pity's sake?

With a bit of effort, the nocturnal monsters each fell from the air, yet warranted another powwow session. The supply was ever the lower.

"Oy guv! Maybe we should 'ead back an' resupply. Maybe even possibly 'ave a nap at an inn for once an'-"

"No!" Joey barked. "We are going to the top of this damn mountain to find out if something of interest is up there." He looked back up to the path.

"Last one up there spends some quality time with Farebury's priesty molesting dinosaur fossil next visit!" Joey then bolted up to the path, climbing back up to where he last left off. Yangus and the cursed duo tried scrambling up, but kept sliding back down. The ex bandit's short and chubby everythings were not suited for climbing steep slopes being his disadvantage as the introduction to the drawbacks of hooves and fragile carriage issues was the kryptonite of the cursed royals. So they went around again, not stopping for any random spook as they raced up the puny mountain. Yangus came out far ahead of his competition, discounting Joey because he was probably exploring the top already if not impatiently waiting for them. Trode had to take it easy on the wagon, but once Yangus left out of his sight the first time he cracked the reigns for Medea to jack up the speed exponentially, not giving a second thought to stability of the vehicle. He made Yangus eat and shit out his dust.

At the top, when Yangus came up, he was sucking air and horrified at the loss of the wager.

"You 'ad a 'orse. That's… that's unfair!" Yangus huffed.

"Bite me," the king replied curtly.

"Look, it's a cabin!" Joey pointed out to the obvious. "Let's just break in! I wonder if they'll share some smores with me if I do?"

"Joey… damn it, I'm am way too exhaughsted to yell at you anymore, just GO. GO. do whatever you want," Trode sighed, tired.

Of course, Joey being _Joey,_ he took that as a win and there was no turning back. He blatantly walked in the cabin, not bothering to knock, Yangus trailing behind him as Trode and Medea stayed outside. The cabin was too small to harbor the last two anyway. No use in going into a cramped space only to wait a few minutes until they had to go again. At any rate, Joey, upon his entry, paid absolutely no attention to the bearded man that lived there and made a beeline for the bag hanging off of the wall to the right. Yangus only walked in and stopped near the door as it was shut.

"What is your business here?" the owner of the small cabin requested to know, eyeing them warily since their sudden intrusion.

The ex bandit felt the need to explain that which he had no real idea about, just trying to tell the truth was his best answer. He was trying to clean up his life a bit anyway so hopefully they would be rewarded with at least living another day. That's what he hoped and thought at least. "Um, well me an' my friend 'ere-"

"Hey Santa, is this your sack?" Joey asked, gesturing pointed index fingers towards said item holder of interest. _Santa _was thrown off by the irrelevant question, but still noticed that Joey wasn't budging off of the question, rudely enough. So he answered, "Of course it is… it's in my house isn't it?"

"Wait, you don't know if this is your house or not?" Joey asked hurriedly. " What are you a thief? A ghost? Or are you… the creepy mail man that runs around in a toga-diaper all along the bright and sunny countryside?"

"Joey!" Yangus growled, walking near Joey and striking and digging his elbow into his ribs, telling him to knock it off.

The bearded man then rolled his eyes, deciding to just go with it, at his risk of course, and replied to Joey's question, "Yes it is. Why?"

"Do you mind if I… touch it?" Joey mischievously grinned. Yangus proceeded to double face palm in the background. Just as he was giggling to himself, Joey suddenly came face to face with the now pissed off mountain man.

"If you have no productive business here other than to spout off stupid jokes, remove yourselves immediately," the mountain man growled. As he had raised his voice it woke up Munchie, who was asleep in Joey's pocket after smoking some resin due to the "herb" shortage.

Peering out from Joey's pocket, Munchie looked upon the big bearded mountain man with adorable lidded eyes. Poor creature was having a slow recovery from such deep sleep. The mountain man noticed the small animal, taking a minute to identify it, when both the man and the tiny beast seemed to recognize each other, their eyes snapping fully open. Munchie crawled out from his insulated hammock and jumped onto the table in the middle of the room, letting a bunch of squeaks echo from his mouth. The older man listened to the rodent as if he could understand him. When the rodent was done the man asked, "You know these people? Especially the one with the orange rag on his head?"

Munchie solemnly nodded, earning him cries of "What? How dare you feel ashamed of me! I'm feeding you to Snake once I get the chance! I don't care if it's the Solid one or the Naked one!" Joey rebuked at his fuzzy friend. Shortly then he snickered, "Heheh, Naked."

Ignoring the last comment and all comments by Joey, Munchie continued squeaking like the rubber ducky Joey had left at Trodain (in tears no less) when the mountain man responded, "I'll have more later but first could you possibly do me a favor? I left a sack-"

"Can I touch _that_?"

"Shut up, guv!"

"A-HEM. As I was saying, I left a sack full of my tools underneath a tree with red foliage the other day. Could you possibly get that for me and bring it here? And tell your ditz of a gra- I mean, ditz of a friend not to put it in his mouth while you're at it," the bearded man finished.

"Sorry, I wouldn't stuff your hairy wrinkly sack down my throat for all the gold in the world," Joey calmly retorted.

Suddenly Joey, Munchie, and Yangus were roughly shoved out the door, which then closed with a loud thud.

"Just find the damn thing!" The owner of the cabin growled from behind the veil of wood.

Munchie scurried back into Joey's pocket as Trode came running up to the idiot and Yangus, the king inquiring "So how did it go? Did you find out anything about the crystal ball?"

Joey answered, "Nope! But now we gotta go looking for some crusty old man's sack under a red tree on toppa that."

Trode only slipped the rolled up newspaper that he hid in the sleeves of his robes out onto his hand and stalked menacingly towards the two. He even looked a lot darker in his approach with the sun reaching over the horizon, adding a scary contrast to his features.

"This _better _get done _quick_."

"I think he's not high anymore," Joey warned whoever heard him. The newspaper cracked like thunder and lightning over his cranium.

As the day got brighter the party made its way back down the mountain, over the grass, through the trees, ignoring the path, and avoiding One Knight Stand. Sometime in the afternoon they found the red tree with the sack amongst its roots. Of course, upon retrieving the objective, Joey just had to say, "Haha. I'm grabbing the tree's sack!"

The newspaper of the Goddess found it's way to the back of the palace guardsman's head, the perpetrator of the single-smack onslaught tired of the overused gag just like everyone else in the world. Trode commanded "Stop dilly dallying and get this over with! Valentina's counting on us to find some blasted crystal ball and you're playing around with a multitude of sacks! Do us a bloody favor and keep your sack fetish under wraps until you can afford a male prostitute over in Pickham after this dreaded curse business is finished!"

Joey took a moment to thick of what to say to defend himself, then blurting out to his majesty "Well if I have a sack fetish then you have a shiny prosthetic ball fetish like that one chick does!"

"You. Are. A moron."

"W-well, err, you're a towel!"

Cue the poor little green man double face-palming and Yangus throwing a fit over stolen jokes.

On their way back to the waterfall a small group of feline monsters strode their way towards the traveling persons. Seeing them sooner than the other two that were on foot, Trode warned "Gah! Candy Cats! Joey, Yangus, kill them as I sit idly by on the wagon and get high."

"We KNOW!" the two fighters of the party shouted as they headed into battle.

As Joey landed a strike upon one of the kitties he wondered out loud, "I wonder what they would taste like if you ate them? Would they taste like candy or pussy?"

Upon taking a cat down with his axe, Yangus said, "Guv… that's just… disturbing'."

To his horror, Yangus heard Joey say, "Let's finish this and find out!"

After beating the cats into submission and death as well as fifteen minutes of rushed cooking time Joey sampled a quick dish, chewing the meat until deemed ready to go down to his stomach. When he was done, he spoke, "Well it doesn't taste like candy nor pussy… it tastes like blood and herbs."

"I really 'ope that you were just joking' 'bout that pussy bit earlier," Yangus told his friend.

To this, Joey smiled, "That's for me to know, and you to be horrified about!"

"Hey. HEY!" Trode hollered, gaining Joey and Yangus's attention. "Dude, umm, we're out of herbs. We need to go get some more so I can cope with your bums being around at all."

So they went back to Farebury to buy more 'medicine'. Yet obviously King Trode and Medea were left to wait outside. While they were there Yangus plead with Joey about staying at the inn for a night since they haven't slept in days. For once Joey agreed, buying a room for the night, and totally forgetting to tell his majesty and her horse-ness…

Day Four

Needless to say, Trode was pissed the next mooring. So pissed in fact that he whipped the reigns on Medea to make her start galloping in Joey and Yangus's direction in an attempt at a deadly hit-and-run all the way back up the puny mountain with the waterfall cave. Busting into the bearded man's cabin Joey screamed as he held up the missing sack, "WE HAVE IT! We have it and please help us we're gonna die!"

"I'll take the sack," the man said as he reached for it. Joey let it go, still looking to the rough man for help from his homicidal king. "And here's some cheese."

Joey was handed a bag of cheese. He stared at it, perplexed, and asked, "How is this supposed to help me?"

"Well, it CAN help you. In other situations of course. But it's for your mouse, so don't eat it. Now get out of my house!"

With that Joey and Yangus were outside again, face to face with a seething King Trode sitting up high on the wagon.

"I will forgive you, as long as there is no more getting sidetracked from our objective of finding that lovely lady's crystal ball. However, if we do happen to take a little detour without reason I will string out your intestines and make rubbers out of the tissue to sell on the black market while you are still alive and I will make you _watch _as I do so."

Without a word, Joey and Yangus slid down the mountain and sprinted into the dark hole of the cave. Trode and Medea took their time going down the mountain, the green king humming contently.


End file.
